I Don't Go Backwards Very Well

In all our years of marriage, I haven't really longed for a house. It seemed like it might be a good idea for when we retired. But in the here and now, we had planned to go overseas for missions. Our plans changed when God brought Apartment Life into our universe, and then even more when He gave Eric the vision for starting Community Northwest. We didn't know for how long God would have us doing this, so we just served with a "God will show us when we are done" attitude.

As we served in Community Northwest, I felt the strong calling to be right in the trenches of living and serving in an apartment community. I would even say I prided myself on that fact. That is until about a year ago. Eric's parents started talking to us about the possibility of buying the house next door. At first I was completely opposed, but I came around fairly quickly as I saw Eric's excitement and the potential to fix up a house.

It's a long story, but the quick version is that their neighbor passed away from cancer and had no living relatives. We kept waiting for months to see what would happen with the situation, whether the bank would be open to a short sale since we didn't want to pay as much as what he owed. Or if they would foreclose, and we could try to get it then. Nothing happened, and the bank wasn't even talking to the executor. So frustrating. So we decided to just wait and build up some nest egg savings.

Then Bailey, our adopted dog popped into our lives. We aren't supposed to have pets here, so we knew we were/are putting the owner in a tough place. It's not like you can hide a dog. In looking for new apartments, I found the prices for houses in the area pretty reasonable. So that jump started an actual house search. We found two we loved with great potential, both foreclosed and both needing work.

In the process, our nest egg savings kept getting used for car repairs, to the tune of $4000 in 3 months. :( So as we were trying to negotiate with the banks, we were asking them to cover any and everything that would require cash on hand. They weren't so interested in that.

This last house that I had really come to love, was just priced a bit too high for us. We qualified, but were still bare bones in our savings and the monthly mortgage and other bills would be higher than we really wanted.

To top it off, we restarted Financial Peace University last Sunday, and Dave Ramsey's first lesson is the need to have a 3 to 6 months emergency fund. Eric took that to heart. He really felt that to enter into something so big, we have got to build that emergency fund up.

Hours and hours of researching, months of dreaming, a fun afternoon of looking at paint samples, watching HGTV for fun decorating ideas, and now we have to put that dream on hold. I feel devastated. I know he is right, but like I titled my post, I don't go backwards very well. I feel like I only know how to go forward...running. I push and push until I get my way. Pretty hard for Eric to feel at times as if he is truly the leader of our home. I know I need to follow him 100% in this, but I must confess, I've been throwing a bit of an inner tantrum/pity party inside my head all day

The funny thing is that I never really had this dream of feeling settled before. In fact, even now I feel restless here at this apartment. I'm ready to move on. But to what? I thought it was a house. Now I don't know.

Please pray that I will find my rest and peace in God wherever we live. The chorus of this new song by Audrey Assad has been running through my head for a couple of days now, and really resonates with my heart.

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

My I truly seek out His peace, and not dwell on feeling restless!

The Sun is Out--Hallelujah!

One of the few things I hate about winter is the dark gray "bleh" clouds that can stay for days. These are the kinds of clouds that are so dark, you wonder if it's still night when you wake up, and never brighten. After two days of that, I start to feel in a funk, and like I could just stay in bed all day.

Today is the first day we actually have some sun, and I'm LOVING it! I need to see that sun shining through.

That reminds me that in life, there are days when I can strongly feel God's presence, and others where it feels like He is hiding behind the "clouds" of life. I need to be reminded that He is still there in all His power, and I can still praise Him even though I don't see Him. God, may I never forget.

Making Your Husband Laugh

This is one of my favorite things in the world! Making Eric laugh when I make a comment makes my heart sing. It brings great joy to my heart and just yet again says "Yes, I have found the one!" I have found the one who "gets me." He is the one who makes me laugh, and maybe the only one who laughs at my jokes. He is the one who is thrilled when I walk in the door, and the one who thrills my heart when he walks in the door. It's like the other part of me has come home.

Thank you, God, for giving me Eric!

Keeping Up With Other Peoples Blogs

I have a decent list of blogs that I subscribe to because I value them for some reason. Some blogs I read are just for fun or for hearing about my friends thoughts on life. I have linked to all the blogs that talk about Steven Curtis Chapman since his daughter's death. Others are for learning from stronger believers who are using their blogs to educate.

If you were to give a guess, which ones do you think I am good at reading right away? If you guessed my friends', you would be correct. About equal to that are the SCC family blogs. I am discovering that they are a very cool family as a whole.

Lastly, of course, are the ones written by those from whom I want to learn. I can't peruse those quickly. Some of them I want to take time to really read. But here's the problem. Their list keeps getting longer and longer, and begs the question, "How long will the list be before I sit down to read?". And will I ever take time to get caught up, or will I just eventually scan them quickly and jump to the next until I have "read" them all, and thus feel better about it.

Pretty sure that writing on my own blog takes away from some of this time, but hey, I think after reading a few hundred other blogs, I deserve a break today. Don't you think so too? :-)

The Seasons...Autumn has arrived!

It's fall here in Seattle, which means beautiful changes of leaves, the immediate entering into cold weather and of course, the rain.

There is a tree outside our office window...or may it's a bush. Regardless, it is something I look at often as I am thinking about stuff. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that it was starting to turn beautiful shades of red and orange. Then we had some rain and wind, and within two days, the top layer of leaves was gone. I was actually quite sad because I wanted to watch the whole bush turn to red.

Tonight we had quite a downpour, and I'm sad to think about what I might see outside my window tomorrow. How many more leaves will be gone?

I'm sure that I could be profound and find some proverbial connection to the cycles of our life, but I'm not really in that kind of mood.

One happy note from the rain...I've often passed people having to walk or wait for a bus during a downpour. I have often wished I was in the right lane to be able to lean out and pass them an umbrella that I had in my car. For a time, I had two sitting in my back seat. I live in Seattle, and while most Seattleites don't use umbrellas because we are rugged and strong people, we do have them available for those inexplicable downpours. I just happened to be extra prepared.

Tonight I actually got to do it. My neighbor was walking to the mailbox at the other end of the building in a strong downpour. I was on my way to pick up Eric because he couldn't ride his bike in that kind of rain...no brakes when it's wet. I saw her, and rolled down my window. She gratefully excepted my umbrella. It was awesome! Sounds strange I'm sure, but I was thrilled to be able to serve someone in that way.

Finding Financial Peace

We have been fans of Dave Ramsey for awhile, but this fall we started taking his Financial Peace University. I just have to say I have really been enjoying it. Tomorrow Eric and I will sit down for our monthly budget meeting, and I am actually looking forward to it.

I used to think that the denial was more freeing. But the weeks when we have been sitting down and doing our budget, I have actually felt more free because I'm not afraid that we are spending what we don't have. I'm more proactive in my shopping for groceries, and it just makes me think more before I grab that extra item that we don't actually need this week.

Now hopefully we can start achieving these goals we have financially, pay down our debt and get on track. I'm loving the class because it is keeping us accountable to these needed steps.

Go, Dave Ramsey!

Hope!

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 43:5 (New International Version)


Some times you don't realize how you are missing hope in your life. It becomes the norm to focus on all that is attacking you or how all of your efforts seem to be failing. It becomes difficult to hope that things can change.

Do you know how many times the word "hope" appears in the book of Job? Granted much of it is talking about hope being destroyed, but it was an important word even in the oldest book of the Bible.

Last Sunday, my own hope in our little church finding life again after an up and down summer was definitely strengthened. Two of our friends had said they might look for other places to worship, and while we knew we weren't the reason they were looking elsewhere, it was still hard to hear. The rest of the group had move or wasn't solidly committed. So on Sunday, I was praying that God would give us direction. Should we start from scratch, or should we keep pushing on.

Within a matter of 15 minutes, God gave me a vision for some new ideas. Three ideas to be exact. In fact, all three ideas had three of something in them. None were completely original as everyone in the church world has tried and/or is doing some of these things. What the excitement and hope comes from was that He gave me a vision for how to move OUR church into forward momentum. After talking with Eric, we decided it was exactly what we needed.

Feeling excited and hopeful, I sent the email to the group to share the ideas, and included an invite to the first part...a First Friday Fun Night. We waited all week for a response. Finally I sent another email. "Did you get the email?", I asked. Immediately the emails came back, "We will be there." That night, everyone's response was so positive to all of it.

Hope! I have hope! We have a future. We don't have to start from scratch yet again! I have to say hope feels great!!! Thank you, God, for your creative ideas! You are so faithful!


Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23 (New International Version)